the life not chosen
Sometimes I think about the life not chosen. All the dreams and choices I had that I didn’t opt for. My life is truly a beautiful one, and I appreciate it to my core, but sometimes I get glimpses of the life not chosen, and I think “this is pretty slick”
I drove 3 hours after the midnight show, with chris back to the airforce base, and went to sleep FINALLY after being up nearly 24 hours. Not long after, he woke up, put on his uniform, turned on the heater, handed me the remote, kissed me goodbye and went to work.
I slept and watched Americas next top model (my guilty pleasure!) all day! Of course I had to sleep from lack thereof, but I thought of how this base is like a little town, and if I didn’t have to sleep, I could have gone out and done lots of stuff. And I thought “this is awesome”
All the other military wives I know live on base, and handle business all day while their husbands go to work, and they live in a tight knit little world that so many other ppl don’t understand. And though I kick and scream that I never wanted chris to join, even though it’s just the reserves, I can’t help but think about this life I didn’t chose, and how actually, it’s pretty awesome.
Tomorrow I have to go home, and get ready to go back to the life I DID chose on Monday. This is just a nice little step out of the norm.
Bleh!!!!
Awake at 4 am. Just have so much on my mind. Sad chris is gone, and kinda overly hyper cause of all the wedding stuff I’m getting done, stressed out about what it’s all costing!! And of course, all wound up about HP7pt2 on Thursday! a little anxious about starting this running program.
I’ve never been one to worry about working out or being athletic, but recently I’ve found myself in a place where it’s definitely on my top list of priorities. Partially because of the wedding, partially because its now so much a normalcy in chris’ life and it makes him happy for me to join in, and partially because i don’t want to be unhealthy and miserable when we start to have kiddies.
A little part of me has kinda always wished that I wasn’t so clumsy, that I could run a full mile, that I could be one of those bad ass girls on the treadmill just chuggin along jogging and listening to music. And now I see my beautiful friend Angela making this change in her life where she is feeling like she can do ANYTHING, and it’s such an inspiration :-) I wanna go there too so we can talk about it!!
Probably a good idea to go to sleep. Needing lots of luck and good vibes from the universe if I’m gonna start this running adventure at 6 am!!!
So endlessly frustrated with everything today. Chris is such a pompous asshole. As though he doesn’t realize another 5 months of being away is a big deal. Apparently now he’s tired of going places with me and I’m an annoying brat. I could really find other things to do with my evenings, so if he doesn’t care, then why the eff am I sitting at home while he watches stupid shit on tv that I don’t like. I almost feel like my life is just a series of people taking care of me, and thinking I’m a baby an can’t take care of myself. Which, don’t get me wrong, is great. But also, there is something to it that is so infuriatingly patronizing that it makes me want to ditch the Popsicle stand and not tell anyone where I’m going. In an alternate universe, I am this girl I see in my head, self sufficient and capable of all things, who doesn’t need anything from anyone, a girl who can find her way on a map. In this universe I’m just a girl who spent a crap load of time and money on college, just to end up in this tiny town, married with kids. And I hate the way I’m starting to feel about myself. Like this me ive always been is somehow now no longer sufficient, for this person who decided without my input or permission that he wanted a WHOLE different kind of life. Now I need to be smarter, more athletic, less of a drama queen, stronger. Because this is how women in my situation handle life. And I have to be honest, I’m not even entirely sure that the girl I need to be to get through the next 8 years, is even the girl I WANT to be.
TUESDAY. LIFE. FAIL.
Musical countdown to my bday continued. ** 1982 - back on the chain gang - the pretenders**
Celebrating a musical countdown to my birthday! One song I love for every year of my life ** 1981 - Bette Davis Eyes - Kim Carnes**
Bought this on SATURDAY!!!!!
